Live Again

When I was young I dreamt that I could do anything

That I could go anywhere I wanted

I had a big heart and eyes full of wonder

And for me, the best was yet to come

As days became months and those turned into years I shelved some of my dreams on account of reality

I began to come to terms with some ‘facts’ in life

The moon was now suddenly too far and an astronaut was a ridiculous ambition, right?

SO I readjusted I managed my expectations, I knew I had it in me that I could fly that despite my teenage insecurities somehow I knew, I would make it, I would see the world

No matter how many times I broke I would mend, I would rise nothing shook me for long

I miss the younger me, the one who saw opportunity the one who dreamt

I miss my soft heart that nothing would harden

I miss the warmth of hope and reassurance that I seemed to find ever so easily

I want to get it back or maybe find it find something new

I am searching for meaning in this new space; I am fighting for courage despite the growing mountain of fear welling up in me

I want to rise, I want to conquer, I want to dream again

I want to see the world, dare to change it

I write to remind myself that there is still a piece of me that is alive that hopes that hasn’t abandoned my dreams

I write to remind myself that I am still young, Alive and that I have a chance to be all the things I dreamt of

 

 

 

The Dawn

sunrise-dawn-carcabin

I have never been one to embrace change easily,I don’t like the uncertainty, the inconvenience of leaving the familiar.

But I, like every other human being on the planet, cannot escape it so as I adjust and prepare for this new chapter in my life as my heart is thrust yet again into turmoil.

I need to figure out so much in such a short timespan, and the weight of it all threatens to consume me

My every waking thought is filled with anxiety and I feel the storm approaching, I have no cover, I have nowhere to run or hide, this one is going to hit me hard.

I try to find comfort in the passages, some written on my heart others that feel like an odd memory of something that was true of another’s life

I close my eyes and tell myself that God is with me, that he alone knows the plan that this darkness will pass into dawn

To a day that he has known, to something that is beautiful beyond my imagination, all I have to do is have the courage to trust in him, in his faithfulness, his timing, and his goodness

 

I can

Pull yourself together you can do this, you are not the only one to go through this, you can do this just focus on this step right now you have got this down I tell myself every morning as I run not just to complete my workout I wish to adopt the same attitude in life. As I grow older things get a bit more complicated people are less understanding of your shortcomings and more demanding so the steaks are higher you cannot fall below standard. You have to be composed take it all in stride be  super woman and tuck those silly emotions deeper than you thought was possible.

You know those days when wish you could go back to the simpler days? Well I don’t have those my past is best left right there, am looking ahead striving, hoping and dreaming amidst the storms I face today, I envy those who give up some days I just want to stop but you say that everything is right as it should be well I never imagined it would be this hard.

These moments that shake the core of me build the real me, I may not see this but I grow stronger every day, I dream bigger again because I can, because I am powerful and fierce and because I know who holds my world. Despite the flurry of emotions and the fear that wells up inside, I have confidence in the one who made me and even as the journey gets harder I know I can face what comes ahead.

I am going to run this race of life, enjoying every moment, feeling every emotion ( because I can’t fight what  I feel ), accepting every challenge, rising with the waves and soaring in the wind because I know I can..

i-can

BROKEN TOGETHER

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we’re not the fairy tale you dreamed we’d be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night

It’s going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we won’t give up the fight

”Marriage is tough. We bring a lot of fairytales to the picture when it comes to marriage. We bring them to the altar with us [thinking]: ‘This is going to be perfect. We don’t have to be apart. We can just wake up together every morning and no one is going to have morning breath. We’re not going to have any problems.’ And then the problems hit and you don’t know where to file those into your picture. . . The idea I’m trying to say is: ‘Can you lay down who you thought I was and love the ‘me’ that is? Can we take this from where we are now and realize that I can’t be that person?’ Only God is going to be able to make this work and broken people can be broken together.”_

Mark Hall, Bernie Herms

From Casting Crowns Album Thrive

undiscovered

r1

there are places i want to go

there is a person i was meant to be

there are things i want to do 

some are as clear as day 

some a mystery

living between the shadows of these phases

a constant journey of discovering me 

there is a song i dance to 

a flow of frowns and smiles 

changing the rhythm from within

without battling to move in 

but never really replacing who i am

protected.. awaiting the day i fully discover 

all i was meant to be 

love that restores..

you see the depths of me, the corners of my soul

sifting through the pain, the withdrawal, you search me out

from my hidden place, your spirit calls out for me in my fading

you are searching for me

I lost my grip on you, the love of my heart

i am unfaithful, still you are my rescue and my hope

but this fear keeps tearing me apart

i let go of you, forgot to seek you

forgot my place in the shelter of your arms

not wanting to need you just in case it hurt

never understanding that you will never leave..

i walk, dream and fight like i am alone

yet you are forever faithful

take over my heart

that i may live like i never feared,

hope like i never failed

and love like i never lost..

 

 

Out In the Cold

In places so cold, where nothing grew,

you found me still waiting like you left me so long ago

Bound by your spell, rooted to the spot

that i had been circling since your departure.

In days short and nights long the dance flowed and the song kept playing

up and down we went never speaking of what was

promises and hopes, dreams and wishes are all that filled our time

Into my heart you went yet again,

crept into the quiet places i saved for myself

deeper till you found a fit, it felt safe, i didn’t let go

it felt right maybe too right..

 

Out of the blue safe wasn’t cool anymore, safe was boring

the adventure was out where you came from, away from me

Outbound you crushed every ounce of me

to get the air you now desperately needed

taking with you everything, breaking,tearing and crushing your safe place

Outside in the cold with a hole so wide and tears staining my soul

you left me,

holding on to the pieces of you and me all mangled together..

Matthew_24-13